#2: An Honest Confession of a Toxic Mentality.

This is me in my sophomore year. I look happy, right? Secure, satisfied, sorted? Well, internally, I felt like shit. Bad grades and an inferiority complex seem like first world problems, but the existential crises they trigger can wreak havoc on our mental health.

When I joined Cornell, I thought I was the shit. Quickly I realized I was not.

This realization was tough. But like all painful things in life, I remember this as one of the most important lessons I will take from Cornell.

When I joined here, I had graduated from a top high school in India and secured a full ride, despite the odds. While I tried maintaining a humble demeanor on the outside, on the inside, I really thought I was top shit.

I joined in the fall of 2017 and freshman year was easy — I was always way above the mean. “Eh. Easy peasy. Look, I told you, I am smart. We Indians are invincible — look at Sundar Pichai and Satya Nadella. Top class work ethic!”

And then sophomore year happened. Classes became so brutal and in back to back classes, I was below the mean.

The professor I was conducting research with politely asked me to leave the group as my “growth curve had flattened”.

I was really struggling to cope. It felt like it was game over.

My identity of being this ‘sorted, intelligent dude’ had been critically dented, as I tumbled into the hollows of an existential crises.

This can’t be happening to me! I am so much better than everyone!

And the most painful part — to know that I was now part of an ‘underachieving’ group within Cornell, a group that I had always ridiculed in my mind.

Backwards Law - Pursuing positive emotions or ‘highs’ all the time reinforced what I lacked and made me feel insecure.

I think one of the reasons I liked thinking I was better than others was because it gave me a kick, a high.

But it was a double edged sword that perpetuated a feeling of intense insecurity, that creeped up and internalized itself before I knew it.

You see, whenever I found someone I thought I was better than, I found five others who completely beat me to my own game.

It was a zero sum game.

The more I chased the high, the more insecure I got about my abilities. I failed to realize that it is impossible to be better than everyone at one thing, let alone at everything.

And I don’t say this in a ‘don’t dream to be the best’ kind of way. I say this with the view that ‘best’ has no single definition.

I now realize that every pillar of success I scale, there will be others with the same conventional metrics of success, trying to do different things with their lives. But that doesn’t mean I am better or worse than they are.

Is Elon Musk a better visionary than Steve Jobs, Bezos, Gates?

Who knows and who cares.

They just nailed what they had to do, when they had to do it.

And hence I, too, must give in my 100% in whatever I do because how good other people are doesn’t change a bit about me.

Everyone has different life stories. Different goals. Different ways to achieve them. Without a very, very specific context, you, as a whole, can’t be better or worse than anybody.

To just ‘be the best' is a pretty shitty goal, I’ve realized. I need context. Think of a highway: I can say I want to be ahead of all the cars on this highway. I want to be in front of everyone. But I will never be, because all cars will inevitably take different roads. Their paths aren’t linear. They might or might not be going to the same destination. There are also multiple ways to get to any destination. This thought always makes me feel better. I have my own destination, my own pit stops and my own routes.

We all have different life stories.

I realized this in freshman year. There were some kids in my introductory class who were making these insane robots.

I, on the other hand, had only now gotten to know that Python was not just a snake. Like no joke, I didn’t know Python was a programming language in high school (if you just found out too, that’s fine! Remember, different destinations!)

I wrecked my mental health comparing myself to these kids because I felt like I could never measure up.

But then I thought, wait a second.

Our past lives have been completely different. I’ve had experiences they’ve never had and vice-versa.

Similarly, our plans for the future our completely different.

Then why am I killing my happiness over what they think and do?

Sure, if measured by their metrics of success — which are aligned towards a very specific, personal life goal — I may not strictly measure up but I am playing a different game than they are. My priorities are different and I cannot let them decide those for me.

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Bobby’s Note —> A massive thank you if you’ve read till here. It means the world to me. I apologize for not continuing my last post — I wanted to talk about this. I shall continue that in another letter. Thank you for subscribing to me and as always, your feedback is more important to me than you think!